Monday, February 19, 2018

Facing My Toughest Critic // Life of a Recovering Perfectionist

 I am a perfectionist. I have wrote about it many times on my blog. Some days, it pushes me creatively. It allows me to focus delicately on details, and helps me get lost in the worlds I create (whether in acting, photography, or stylings). The other hand? I have weaker moments, where I turn that intense perfectionism on myself. I am without a doubt, the toughest critic on myself. My expectations are sky high, and my critical eye (which can be extremely helpful with work), is incredibly painful for my self esteem. Over the weekend, my critic overloaded me. My doubts were loud and nasty. I felt stuck in the moment, but not present at all. My critic appears when I am feeling pressure. Moments where I am frustrated with where I am at in my journey artistically and professionally. It stems from running away from the present- either anxiously awaiting for the outcomes of my efforts, or flustered by past moments that attempt to define me. I am sharing this because I know I am not alone in this journey. I feel like the more I speak about this, the softer the doubts become. I feel a great deal of freedom in vulnerability. 
My New Years Resolution (see here), was all about stepping out of my comfort zone. And part of that was working on changing the mindset / negative talk that I am 'comfort' with continue. I will say, it is much harder than imagined. I am rewiring my brain a little. Some weeks, I feel like a total bad ass- Killing all sides of my career, surrounding myself with constantly inspiring humans, and owning my self image in ways I never thought possible. Then I have moments where I fall off the wagon. I hate how my body looks in the mirror, I feel deeply alone, and question whether I will ever hit my goals. What often brings me back, to the more kind, gentle version of myself? Remembering the fiery passion in my gut that got me here in the first place. Within me, there is that confidence and trust that all will work out. It's not naive, it is hope. And it stems from gratitude and love for my life and self. So I am working on that guys! I challenge you to do the same. Perfectionism- fuck you x

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